Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4918 of 6369
do you know someone who is alive because you didnt wanna go to jail for killing them?
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08-25-2011 08:50
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I drugged my coffee with steroids so now it's strong enough to kick your ass!
Some girl at the nightclub last night said to me, "I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha." I replied, "20 x 0 = 0." That shut the focker up.
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08-30-2011 17:31
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Only when I'm drinking Jager, think I have the moves like Jagger
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08-31-2011 16:58
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Labor Day, when we briefly pause from demonizing unions to enjoy mattress sales in their honor.
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09-05-2011 05:51 by MTQ
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Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!
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02-09-2011 11:39 by JC
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"What is that? A banana? Aw who gives a $hit?" -Disinterested George
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02-18-2011 16:15
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I would buy the 10 thousand dollar hair of Justin Beiber at ebay and clone it so just that I can kill his clone to pieces with my barehands!
To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand.
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02-10-2013 16:36 by Aristotle
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When I hear someone say "Valentimes" I wanna punch them in the throat.....it's an N for No wonder you're alone
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02-13-2013 17:26 by urboyblue
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Everyone knows the Jedi "Mind meld" is illegal in all 57 states.
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03-01-2013 15:43
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''The corrupt fear us,the honest support us,the heroic join us.'' - V for vendetta
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03-26-2013 01:17
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I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it blue it's a boy? Pink it's a psycho?
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03-29-2013 13:38 by Baddie
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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five men talked crap about the fifth one whenever he was out of earshot.
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04-03-2013 00:05
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4/04 Day Not Found.
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04-03-2013 01:38 by Zinc
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People don't love you just for who you are, but how you make them feel.
I asked some guy for directions this morning and he said, "Go to the corner and take a right. It's about six miles, depending on how fast you're going".
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09-04-2012 15:11 by K-Mac
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Samsung S3 is way much better id rather eat the Apple
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09-13-2012 09:14
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Dear Citizen, please stand still while your government tear-gasses you. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
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09-17-2012 20:28 by fadolo
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SWAG : Some Wizards Are Gay - Albus Dumbledore
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10-05-2012 02:12
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