Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Labor Day, when we briefly pause from demonizing unions to enjoy mattress sales in their honor.

   Went grocery shopping this morning. I noticed that the bottle of household bleach I bought has a safety seal on its opening. Glad my floors or toilet won't be poisoned. Interestingly, however, my toothpaste does not have a safety seal. Thanks Uncle Sam!

   "What is that? A banana? Aw who gives a $hit?" -Disinterested George

   I would buy the 10 thousand dollar hair of Justin Beiber at ebay and clone it so just that I can kill his clone to pieces with my barehands!

   To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand.

   When I hear someone say "Valentimes" I wanna punch them in the throat.....it's an N for No wonder you're alone

   Everyone knows the Jedi "Mind meld" is illegal in all 57 states.

   ''The corrupt fear us,the honest support us,the heroic join us.'' - V for vendetta

   I always wondered how pregnancy tests work, is it blue it's a boy? Pink it's a psycho?

   In my most recent survey,,, four out of five men talked crap about the fifth one whenever he was out of earshot.

   4/04 Day Not Found.

   People don't love you just for who you are, but how you make them feel.

   I asked some guy for directions this morning and he said, "Go to the corner and take a right. It's about six miles, depending on how fast you're going".

   Samsung S3 is way much better id rather eat the Apple

   Dear Citizen, please stand still while your government tear-gasses you. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

   SWAG : Some Wizards Are Gay - Albus Dumbledore

   "I eat what I want and never get fat" - people I hate

   Studies show that California has the highest rate of Adultery and Depression....It's a sad State of affairs.

   I went shopping and forgot my phone. It's sad when you can't update your stat us. I just started yelling out my status every 20 min. or so. I picked up 3 followers. I think 2 of them were cops though.

   If you ever Google Gary Oldman FFS dont forget the "R" !!!!