Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went from being “in relationship” to being “single.” Modern Warfare 3 claims its first victim!

   Why do they advertise that something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

   If you are fat and your wearing skinny jeans, it does not make you look skinny.. it makes you look silly!!!

   ....... In suppoert of the Ocupy Wall Street movement ... I withdrew 20 bucks from my bank and bought a burger, fries, and went to a movie!! .. Take that you evil corporations!!

   Ooook-lahoma, where the Earthquake comes sweepin' down the plain And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet When the Tornado's come right behind the rain.!

   Because of Harry Potter a whole generation of boys learned it was good to read. And to master control of one's wand.

   Big girls don't cry. Well, not tears. It's a combination of chocolate, movie popcorn butter, and broken dreams.

   Dear grown folks, Stop going broke trying to look rich and act your WAGE:)

   My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

   Take it Kevin Costner's been fired then...

   Dear radio stations, You do know there are more than 5 songs in the world, right? Sincerly annoyed listeners.

   If you watch the Titanic backwards..Its about a magical boat that saves people

   Beer is now cheaper than GAS! Drink don't Drive...

   When I'm having a day sometimes I go to WalMart and just smile and show off my teeth.

   The number one thing on my bucket list; not dying!

   before getting married there are 2 words a man must know that are crucial to his survival....."Yes Dear"........

   Priscilla Chan is to Mark Zuckerberg as Yoko Ono is to ...

   Remember, You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

   Dubstep is just dance music with Touretts Syndrom.

   Sometimes I put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.