Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can hear my loving wife and kids scream at each other about who got chocolate on our couch while I try to hang myself in the bedroom.

   I hear Hillary is standing behind Senator Weiner. I guess if she can stand behind a slick Willey, she can stand behind a Weiner...

   Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

   why are men so smart during sex? because hes plugged into a genius

   it easy to blame everything on Obama coz he doesnt look like you?

   I'm a much better person than Mitt Romney. I only believe 30% of people are entitled freeloaders.

   friends in low places.

   Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.

   A vote for Obama is a vote for demise!!

   Shouldn’t you have to pass a drug test to get a welfare check since I have too pass one to earn it for you?

   Feeding your dog Chocolate

   I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

   UK 1984 - "Feed the World". USA 1985 - "We are the World". And they wonder why they're so f**king fat.

   Thanks for the advice, officer. I'll try to be less black next time.

   Shhhhh! I can't hear about how God spoke to you! I'm busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

   Remember when Ivanka and Donald manufacured goods in America? Yea I don't remember that either.

   Some say the world ends in lees than a month... My question is this: If the world ends are we better off than 4 more years of Obama?.... Discuss...

   Bama VS LSU.......Up for Bama..........Down for LSU

   don't drink and drive, you could spill the beer in your car.

   On this Thanksgiving I'm thankful for family and friends and the fact I don't have to wear Depends. I'm thankful for hard alcohol and seeing friends at the Mall, But most of all I'm thankful for turkey and stuffin' and SWEET, SWEET HOT LOVIN'!!!!