Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much are these anti-depressants? Sir, that's a 12 pack.

   You can always tell how wealthy a black dude is by how much white he wears

   Maybe if the lion's sleeping tonight, you should stop f*ck!ng singing before it wakes up and eats your face

   I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.

   Michael Sam would have loved to go to Sayreville Highschool...

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   HR says I am allowed to dress up as a pirate for the office Halloween party but I am not allowed to try to plunder booty, even if it is mighty fine booty....this organization has too many rules.

   There is no "non creepy" way to compliment hot girl's feet

   Who else is still wearing their Halloween costume?! Didn't think I'd be keeping it on for days but everyone's really digging me as Pikachu!

   "LOL" is the new way of saying "I really have nothing to say."

   Mike Pence shouldn't get so upset that some Democr@ts booed him at the theater. After all don't forget that Democr@ts loudly booed G0D at the DNC convention on Sept 5th 2012.

   Abolish the department of education for failing and producing Paul Rand who wants to abolish the department of education.

   Women went on strike today, things still got done without them.....

   Liking a celebrity's tweet in the hopes they'll notice you is like voting Republican thinking you'll be a millionaire one day.

   Don't you people see.... these dummy-crats are trying to peece us off. Lets show them we are bigger than that, and they need a job.

   My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or destroy Slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave, I would do it. Any snowflake wanna explain what the civil war was about then?

   I just want a man to rub my butt without trying to shove something in it.

   Person... Woman... Man... Camera... TV....I'm a genius!

   Canadian sex is like American sex but with more apologizing and less guns.

   Tender Age Shelter sounds like something spray painted onto a van parked outside of a grade school while the owner offers kids free candy.