Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Liking a celebrity's tweet in the hopes they'll notice you is like voting Republican thinking you'll be a millionaire one day.

   Don't you people see.... these dummy-crats are trying to peece us off. Lets show them we are bigger than that, and they need a job.

   Person... Woman... Man... Camera... TV....I'm a genius!

   I just want a man to rub my butt without trying to shove something in it.

   ....... Hey Barack and Hillary .... Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!!!!

   Congratulations America! We're one step closer to schmuck.

   Mexico announces it's found 6 new oil deposits in Gulf of Mexico. Trump now wants to add a huge door to his wall.

   My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or destroy Slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave, I would do it. Any snowflake wanna explain what the civil war was about then?

   Canadian sex is like American sex but with more apologizing and less guns.

   Tender Age Shelter sounds like something spray painted onto a van parked outside of a grade school while the owner offers kids free candy.

   To the Pope. Just let priests get married so they won't have to be gay with little boys!

   Best catch phrase to make fun of: Fake News.

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for 35 million. Now looks like the ideal time to sell my dusty old CD towers for 9 million dollars.

   been spending most my life living in a Gansta's Paradise...

   I get the feeling that the fat acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is about movement.

   To the lady who ready my palm at the county fair in the summer of '99. The one who told me I would be married, have two kids, and own a business when I got older. I wish my divorced $7.76/hr ass could talk to you again!!

   Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.

   In the eyes of most women, every man is born a Defendant.

   when I was younger my mum would always give me my food by saying "there's a train coming, there's a train coming" with the spoon. I always ate it as I was afaid if not she wouldnt untie me from the railway lines!

   I never feel as much panic as I do when the cashier asks me if I have their member card yet.