Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep NFL Straight Footballl!!!!

   My liver is so black from all this smoking that it talks during the entire movie.

   Aaron Hernandez was seen on the phone begging his attorneys to have his murder case moved to Florida.

   In the mind of my Hound dog: "He's on the floor, trying to get my ball from under the couch... I will assist by licking his eyeball !"

   .Been staring at this cardinal in my tree outside my window... If he don't get down in the next five minutes, I'm calling the f@#king church!

   remembering that day when I caught my GF in bed with my best friend, I walked up to him, grabbed him by the collar and said "bad dog!"

   I'm celebrating mlk day. I use the Ebony category on p orn hub today

   [Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?

   Hard to believe its been 18 years since Will Smith saved 'Merica!!

   Joan Rivers passed away at 81, but her face was only 12. . .

   Hey Canada, when you're griping about how hot it is the one day it hits 70, remember, in the south we call that winter.

   When are the winter special olympics??

   ok Doc, give up... your not funny.

   So I have been thinking about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little baby spoons and then I got to wondering...what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   Oprah makes $315,000,000/year = $26,000,000/month = $6,000,000/week = $850,000/day = $35,000/hour = $600/minute = $10/second

   How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your bum?

    Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you. 

   Put Anthony Hopkins and Robert De Niro on the same screen and you no longer have just a movie ..You have God's favorite movie,

   Dear God...thank you for all the good times you brought me this spring. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name. :)

   Bobby Brown has a movie deal and a book about his life called "Higher than a muthafker".