Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   believes the IOC will support Chile by sending over 10 million "USA Hockey 2010 Olympic Champions" t-shirts that they won't need after todays game!

   insert your current location, relationship problems, results of last doctors visit, what you had for lunch, how much you hate working on certain days of the week, and any other trivial details of your life here _______________________

   U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown!

   Keep NFL Straight Footballl!!!!

   My liver is so black from all this smoking that it talks during the entire movie.

   Aaron Hernandez was seen on the phone begging his attorneys to have his murder case moved to Florida.

   In the mind of my Hound dog: "He's on the floor, trying to get my ball from under the couch... I will assist by licking his eyeball !"

   .Been staring at this cardinal in my tree outside my window... If he don't get down in the next five minutes, I'm calling the f@#king church!

   remembering that day when I caught my GF in bed with my best friend, I walked up to him, grabbed him by the collar and said "bad dog!"

   Hey Canada, when you're griping about how hot it is the one day it hits 70, remember, in the south we call that winter.

   [Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?

   Hard to believe its been 18 years since Will Smith saved 'Merica!!

   Joan Rivers passed away at 81, but her face was only 12. . .

   I'm celebrating mlk day. I use the Ebony category on p orn hub today

   When are the winter special olympics??

   ok Doc, give up... your not funny.

   So I have been thinking about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little baby spoons and then I got to wondering...what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   Oprah makes $315,000,000/year = $26,000,000/month = $6,000,000/week = $850,000/day = $35,000/hour = $600/minute = $10/second

   How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your bum?

    Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.