Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part

   I don't consider my dog my child. My child would not be able to knock you down like Ray Lewis and crush your bones with her jaw at 9 months

   Stupid people exist just to make us feel better about ourselves. Thank you, stupid people!

   I finally figured out how to f*ck myself... Take that, people that tell me to f*ck myself!

   Damn... You looked pretty until tht free trial of Adobe Photoshop expired,

   Love is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it...

   I love Pandas, They're so chill. They're like "Dude, racism is stupid. I'm white, Black, & Asian..."

   We have a game show called Survivor in America....you can win 1 million dollars for doing something for 2 weeks that most people on this planet call "life"!! It simply amazes me how spoiled, ungrateful and lazy we are!!

   To those who worry about haters I say: You will never reach your DESTINATION if you keep stopping to throw stones at every dog that barks at you.

   wonders if cows laugh really hard will milk come out its nose?

   what happens in vegas,stays in vegas..except for herpes

   I was raised to believe that excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism

   On any given day 15% of the U.S. population is constipated. Here at work that equals 7.9 people. I bet I know who you are by your facial expressions alone

   If it was up to me, Pregnancy test would only have 2 cool results; PINK - You are screwed & BLUE - Keep on screwing.

   Don't blame me that I put so many statuses. Blame facebook who always ask me "What's on your mind" whenever I visit the wall.

   I just filled my bird-feeder with Mentos and my birdbath with Pepsi..........

   What is it about warm weather that compels people to blast really loud, annoying bass lines out of their car stereos? You can't even hear what song they're playing except for, "DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE! DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE!"

   A lot of people make fun of the stuff Glenn Beck says. But don't forget he also has a really stupid face

   yo momma is so stupid..she placed a paper ontop of the t.v. and thought she was watchin paperview

   Doctor/Hosptial shows are all the same.. He's going into Cardiac Arrest! Commercial.. Oh wait it was only gas, He's having a Seizure! Commercial, Oh wait he was only masterbating."