Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas

   My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?" I replied "Dust" .

   was sitting on the bus today opposite a stunning Thai girl, thinking don't get an erection, don't get an erection - but then she did

   Ladies remember: Being honest and direct doesn't make you a B*tch. It makes you the Realest B*tch no-one dares to mess with.

   Every woman has that ONE guy she will never lose feelings for, even if she gets married to another.

   I am never shocked or surprised when someone I trust and love backstabs or betrays me. Even the Devil was once an angel. Even Judas was once a loyal disciple.

   kya chutiyapanti chal rahi hai is site pe..

   In order to PREVENT SPAM, I ask that you DONT CLICK THE FRIGGIN LINK YOU BONEHEADED TWAT !

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   The next time you're in Walmart, hide in a clothes rack and when someone is looking through the clothes come out and say "WELCOME TO NARNIA" :)

   Mess with me, I'll fight back. Mess with my friends, I'll hurt you. Mess with ones I love, and they'll never be able to identify you."

   ...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? ...WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?"

   Just remember, everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you upside the head, remember... I had a reason!"

   You really don't know a person until you realize they don't know how to spelle

   Osama's diary found?  "Dear Diary, Had an OK day hiding here in the compound.  Watched some CNN.  2 of my 3 wives are on the rag, so that's a drag.  Well, that's all for now. Bye, Osama "

   Dear Google, You bring up millions of results, if I don't see what I want on the first page, I asume it's not there Sincerely EVERYONE.

   If Facebook really did have a dislike button.. some serious drama would go down

   Dear hookers & strippers, What is "bring your kid to work" day like? Sincerely, curious

   If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.

   Don't call me lazy unless you've walked a mile in my slippers