Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors house and now they are convinced that my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram......:/

   Im thinking of opening a specialty store that caters to people with A.D.D. I will call it "The Shiny Squirrel". Or I might just throw rocks at this tree.

   Dear Liver: thank you for being a most gracious and forgiving blood filter. Love, me.

   Man, those Brits are jubilee-ing their balls off.

   Whether being sincere or romantic, never, EVER, call your wife the 8th wonder of the world when she is PMSing!!

   This salad bar sucks. I must've had like 10 shots of this “Italian Dressing” and I'm not the slightest bit drunk.

   I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   I used to call my toilet The Dumper, now I call it the Donald Trumper.

   Go Ahead! Make my sandwich.

   There is a thin line between love and hate. It starts about halfway through the joint.

   Sorry to disturb ya'll, but does anybody know where I can apply for a strip club franchise? (asking for a friend).

   Don't try to win over the haters, you are not the JURK wisperer.

   Do dyslexic devil worshipers sell their soul to Santa?

   In 2013, my first status will be “is anyone alive?”

   It's National No Bra Day! Except for you fat lady!

   OK... This Addiction with raking has got to stop,,,, If you pick up that rake again,,, I'm leafing....

   Summer where all the days run into each other and every day is a saturday night!

   Alot of commercials nowadays are just knock offs of the Oldspice commercials with a very dramatic main character and a suprising plot twist at the end.

   Sometimes it's easier to act like you don"t care, than to admit that it's killing you.

   Announcing that you need to pee just because it feels necessary.