Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For all those guys wearing skinny jeans....I believe you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way.

   Regular People: "Sorry I am late. Traffic was nuts" Moms: "Sorry I'm late. My daughter's sweater was too sweater-y and the baby ate a band aid."

   Hillary Clinton is the first person who identifies as a female to become the presumptive Democrat Party nominee. Although Bernie ran as a close second.

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Guns, Bacon and T|t$.

   Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?

   I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.

   Had one of those DNA test done. Turns out I'm related to Adam and Eve.

   f a Police Officer says "Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence..." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer..."

   Q. What's in the toilet of the USS Enterprise? A. The Captain's log.

   My wife's face is all black and blue because she didn't listen to me. The last thing I said was "Honey! Watch out for that lamp post!"

   A friend is someone who'll stop whatever he's doing to bring a change of underwear to you at Tio Ricardo's Guadalajara Cantina after you attempted and won the Montezuma's Revenge 50 Lb. Burrito and Enchilda Challenge.

   How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

   Happy Father's Day to all you mf'er's out there!

   Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks

   Merck Pharma, Intel & Under Armour's CEOs all walked away from Trump after the Charlottesville incident? What the heck is going on?

   Ate lunch at Cracker Barrel today. I didn't see any barrels but I did see a lot of Crackers!!

   Does chewing on a slipper while having sex count as 'doggy style'?

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   If you make eye contact with yourself while brushing your teeth in the mirror you have to swallow.

   Please stop trying to trick me into a conversation