Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the big deal about same s3x marriage? My wife and I have been married 20 years and it's always the same s3x.

   I am a firm believer in when one door closes, another one opens. Yep, I believe in ghosts...

   I have ADHD so bad that I should probably never throw a boomerang.

   Paid all my bills tonight and I'm still hood rich. Lol Going to by me a gum ball in the morning. Woowhoo

   It is a different kind of quiet when you go from talking to someone everyday to nothing, even if they live in another city.....

   Where are you going on Thanksgiving? Also, where do you keep your valuables?

   People say I'm too condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   I met a nice, down to Earth woman. After a few minutes of random conversation, I casually remarked, "I'll bet anything that you're not at all materialistic." She said, "I hate sewing, so no."

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be

   Dinosaurs deserved it.

   My safe word is Obamacare.

   In honor of Earth Day, McDonalds will now start making their food biodegradable!

   "Happy Earth Day! Our planet looks pretty good for only being 6,000 years old!" - Ken Ham.

   what are these feelings you speak of?

   As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".

   How do I politely tell someone's too ugly for me to accept their FB friend request?

   i cant believe that cop put me in the backseat when I clearly called shotgun

   Hillary Clinton naked. Oops. This isn't Google.

   I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertakers entrance

   If we had to pay for internet ink. Facebook wouldn't exist.