Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   coming out of the closet. I was playing hide & seek.

   All these years I thought cuddling meant holding her head while she bows you.

   Just got home and found all the doors and windows open everything gone! What kind of person does that to someones Advent calender?

   I have this great midnight snack it's called, what do I think my roommate won't notice if I eat the edges off of

    If you thought your parents were strict, I was toilet trained at gunpoint.

   Humor is a great way to get a girl into your bed but handcuffs is the best way to keep her there.

   While chasing flies in my kitchen with a fly swatter, I have come to realise that some flies are more clever than some humans I know.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.

   85% of men don't understand Women & the balance 15% suffer from short-term memory loss!

   Ladies don't call a guy you are not romantically interested encouraging things like "babe", "love" or "hun". This is will only give the poor sods false hope.

   I saw a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Dad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   I'm a keeper...of bees.

   What's the big deal about same s3x marriage? My wife and I have been married 20 years and it's always the same s3x.

   I am a firm believer in when one door closes, another one opens. Yep, I believe in ghosts...

   I have ADHD so bad that I should probably never throw a boomerang.

   Paid all my bills tonight and I'm still hood rich. Lol Going to by me a gum ball in the morning. Woowhoo

   It is a different kind of quiet when you go from talking to someone everyday to nothing, even if they live in another city.....

   Where are you going on Thanksgiving? Also, where do you keep your valuables?

   People say I'm too condescending (that means I talk down to people).

   I met a nice, down to Earth woman. After a few minutes of random conversation, I casually remarked, "I'll bet anything that you're not at all materialistic." She said, "I hate sewing, so no."