Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Happy Earth Day! Our planet looks pretty good for only being 6,000 years old!" - Ken Ham.

   what are these feelings you speak of?

   As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".

   How do I politely tell someone's too ugly for me to accept their FB friend request?

   i cant believe that cop put me in the backseat when I clearly called shotgun

   It's just a rough patch. ~ my entire life apparently

   James Watson, the scientist that discovered the DNA double helix, believes that "stupidity" is a genetic condition that can be cured. So chin up, buttercup. There is hope for you yet!

   Was watching the Katy Perry Halftime Show and a tribute to Owen Hart broke out...

   I am more likely to answer a call of nature than your call.

   I'd tell you to go to Hell, but that just means I'd have to see you again.

   Between Bruce Jenner and the Kardashians, they should all be court ordered to go to driving school.

   The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea & stomach pains. A kind of feeling that a husband gets when he sees his wife going through his phone ..

   I thank God for my daughter every day. How else would I know I'm "So stupid".

   It's Earth Day. I love the earth. There is something about the Earth that makes me constantly gravitate towards it.

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.

   Email, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

   You're so fabulous, I'm pretty sure you sh*t glitter.

   When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"

   Me: "Do you want to go out” Her: "Like on a date?" Me: "No...out on a bridge so I can push you off!"

   Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?" Me: "Why? What've you got?"