Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are only 2 types of honest people in this world, small children & drunk people

   I dont think of myself as a dumb person. I think of myself as a smart blonde.

   I better get to sleep. I have to get up early to call in sick to work..

   The slogan "America runs on Dunkin'" pretty much sums up where we are as a country.

   Why cant the apocalypse be sunday I have so much crap to do saturday..!!!!

   I want to be a pharmacist. Just so I can yell "Now take your suppositories and shove'em straight up your a$$!"

   The best thing that Donald Trumb did was fired himself.

   To the makers of fruitroll-ups: when I enjoy your deliciousness, I mess up the touchscreen on my smartphone. Work on that please...

   thinks it's kind of cruel that those people who fought in WWII and survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray are now referred to as 'Seasoned Veterans'....

   Hey Old Navy Mannequins, stop trying so hard, you're embarrassing yourself.

   Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!

   Relationships are alot like breaking a horse.. When you first jump on them, they are going to buck and fight and try to take off.. But stay on long enough and they will let you ride them anytime you want!! - Todd

   I think I may have known Renee Graziano when his name was Ronnie

   I think it's adorable when people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   I love cornbread. Not as much as the woman next to me who has "CORNBREAD" tattooed on her arm... but I love it nonetheless.

   why do they call them Booby traps when there are no Boobs invlolved?

   I like to spend my Monday mornings avoiding people who might ask about my weekend.

   Awkward moment for a liverpool fan : when they ask what's the time and its 19:18........

   FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.

   You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day, looking forward to new challenges? Me neither.