Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

   I don't do the "walk if shame", I do the "stride if pride!"

   I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

   I just wish Justin Bieber was around when Michael Jackson was in his prime.

   My feelings?... I wont tell you. I don't want you to hurt them...

   @nal is completely unnatural...unless I'm doing it to a girl.

   My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday

   Never hold your nose and cover your mouth while sneezing as it can blow out your eyeballs.

   "I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe

   9 year old girl in boys football league with 232 carries, ran for 1,911 yards, 35 tds, and 65 tackles?! WTF?! Young lady is an inspiration!!! Never let society limit your dreams!!!

   My friend wanted to use my apartment to clone himself,,, I said “Please, make yourself at home”

   John Travolta's closet is full of dild0s, skeletons, and himself.

   I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Africa the next day or something.

   Fellas: She exercises with a Shake Weight to perfect her hand job, marry her

   I'm pretty sure when you sweat, it's just your fat crying.

   new project runway tonight, I think i'll settle in with a big flaming cup of gay and watch it

   Saw a field of baby antelopes hatch from their cantaloupes last night, So magical........

   The upside of crystal meth is I found out my dog is a great listener.

   What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.

   I am thankful I will not be THAT person who decides to post a picture of their Thanksgiving dinner on Facebook.