Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'm still writing 2012 on all my Czechs." -Guy who likes writing on people from Central Europe

   9 year old girl in boys football league with 232 carries, ran for 1,911 yards, 35 tds, and 65 tackles?! WTF?! Young lady is an inspiration!!! Never let society limit your dreams!!!

   My friend wanted to use my apartment to clone himself,,, I said “Please, make yourself at home”

   John Travolta's closet is full of dild0s, skeletons, and himself.

   I eat every meal like I'm going to be deported to Africa the next day or something.

   Fellas: She exercises with a Shake Weight to perfect her hand job, marry her

   I'm pretty sure when you sweat, it's just your fat crying.

   new project runway tonight, I think i'll settle in with a big flaming cup of gay and watch it

   Saw a field of baby antelopes hatch from their cantaloupes last night, So magical........

   The upside of crystal meth is I found out my dog is a great listener.

   What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.

   I am thankful I will not be THAT person who decides to post a picture of their Thanksgiving dinner on Facebook.

   I escapee from the Island of Misfit Toys

   Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?

   I wish my wife could understand that I have thoughts and feelings. I'm not just some boy-toy, send by god for her pleasure.

   One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.

   I think we need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts.

   To all the merchants trying to make a buck off of Christmas...Go elf yourself!

   If an old man stuffs you in a bag don't worry, I asked for you for Christmas. Oh he threw you in a van, not a sleigh? Yeah, you're screwed.

   I went to google and type in "let it snow" and snow started falling. So I typed "let it rain" and the strippers started falling to the floor.