Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds

   Slipped on a banana peel and fate caught me

   “I want to see my lawyer” - grilled chicken

   Malaria is a pretty name for a girl.

   Presidents Day is here, when we can celebrate Abraham Lincoln driving all the vampires out of the USA

   For valentine's day I wrote out a list of 100 ways we can die together.

   Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...

   FACT: I prefer Dairy Queen Blizzards to Jonas blizzards.

   Now I'm not Mexicana but I think that new song "no me gusta" is Spanish for "That's not my Goose"

   It's not a real trip to the grocery store until I run into someone I know, say goodbye to them, and run into them in the very next aisle.

   Quick, someone take one for the team and fall in love with me. Happy Valentine's Day.

   You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing.

   I'm beginning to understand why Syria, Raqqa 5-Star Al-Aladin VIP vacation packages are being steeply discounted....

   IF YOU'VE HAD CATS,,,,,,, THE SINGLES VIRUS MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU.

   To those girls wearing too much makeup....Whoa calm down, it's a face not a coloring book.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch, just to let them know what I'm capable of.

   Why Women Cry: 1) Sadness. 2) Happiness. 3) ??????.

   I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.

   just cracked open a book or as I like to call it "a beer"

   Please enjoy my TED Talk, "Turn Signals: They're How You Tell Other Drivers What the Heck You're Doing"