Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who you tryin' to get crazy with ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

   every time I come home after being around another dog, mine looks at me like I cheated on him

   I hate having to hold my wife's purse when she's buying shoes, especially when she's buying them on Zappos!

   just saw a homeless guy blasting Nickleback on his radio, proving that listening to Nickelback leads to homelessness

   Maybe you should eat make-up so you can be pretty on the inside

   Whenever someone deletes me as a friend I automatically think, crap they found out how many times I viewed their photos.

   the voices in my head must be almost out of beer,cause I can kinda understand'em

   When a woman dies, God asks the angels “Was she married?' If the answer is 'yes', He says 'Take her to heaven she's been through hell already"

   It doesn't bother me when I see men and women trade sex everyday like some kind of commodity. What bothers me is when they disguise and try to pass it off as dating. Remove the money element and the relationship crumbles.

   Arnold might not make a good dad... the whole "Hasta la vista baby" issue should have been the first clue!

   has anyone seen that billboard talking about the rapture??? if not, its been posted to my wall at least 75 times in the past hour. come take a look.

   Being married anonymous:::: Hi my name is Ralph I'm a husband and it's been 3 months since my last decision....

   Watchin the Music Awards... Boy, that Beiber chick is guna be one hot lesbian when she grows up!

   Lance Amstrong! You know what they say! Once you learn how to ride a bike on performance enhancing drugs, you never forget!

   I always thought Lance Armstrong was caught doping years ago and we all decided to just be cool with it...

   My supervisor told me "I like working with you. You're the only one I can have a interlectrical conversation with". I don't know if I should feel honored, or ashamed that this man is my boss

   If you care for me at all, upon meeting Dee Snider you will say "Aren't you the singer from that fake band in Pee Wee's Big Adventure?"

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid.

   Sometimes your princess in a crown and evening gown is just a retard in a helmet and a Snuggie.

   I killed 6 people this morning thinking they were post-apocalyptic zombies. Then I realized there was no apocalypse, it's just Sunday morning on a long weekend. Sorry to the families of the people who's brains I spiked in the church parking lot this morni