Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm white, but I'm not "Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air" white.

   Arrested again? Let me search old Chris Brown jokes to insert here....

   I think I was born during the wrong time in history. I woulda been hot as a cavewoman.

   Did't have time to hit the gym today. That'll be.. let me see.. 6 years in a row.

   I thought I would try out that glow in the dark trunk latch release in my car. So, is anyone available to come by my place and let me out of my trunk?

   People that think they know you better than you know yourself, is the reason why throat punching was invented

   If anyone could witness the chaos of my kids getting ready for school, we'd see a decline in pregnancies.

   Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"

   Wife: Silent Me: What's wrong? Wife: Nothing Me: Grabs shield and sword

   I'm starting to think I might be a Vampire. If I got stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake I think it would kill me

   Good moaning to you all!! (that is not a typo)

   Just replaced my co-worker's lip balm with a glue stick insert. There's only so many ways to say "STFU!"

   You'll know right away what they want. You'll just pretend you don't.

   "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

   If you're flirting with everybody, even with dogs, you should doubt your sanity.

   Now that Christmas shopping and madness is over, I'm expecting applications for potential girlfriends...

   Crapchat instead of Snapchat... if you are into that kind of thing...

   "Trust me bro, she's a 10" ~ Tequilla

   Sports Illustrated featuring a hot plus sized model on the cover is just as "brave" as Jenny McCarthy is a "doctor"

   A cop pulled me over this morning but let me go. Maybe these man boobs aren't all bad after all!