Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"

   Wife: Silent Me: What's wrong? Wife: Nothing Me: Grabs shield and sword

   I'm starting to think I might be a Vampire. If I got stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake I think it would kill me

   Good moaning to you all!! (that is not a typo)

   Just replaced my co-worker's lip balm with a glue stick insert. There's only so many ways to say "STFU!"

   You'll know right away what they want. You'll just pretend you don't.

   "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

   If you're flirting with everybody, even with dogs, you should doubt your sanity.

   Now that Christmas shopping and madness is over, I'm expecting applications for potential girlfriends...

   Crapchat instead of Snapchat... if you are into that kind of thing...

   "Trust me bro, she's a 10" ~ Tequilla

   Sports Illustrated featuring a hot plus sized model on the cover is just as "brave" as Jenny McCarthy is a "doctor"

   A cop pulled me over this morning but let me go. Maybe these man boobs aren't all bad after all!

   "Was the Golf War because Tiger Woods was a bad man? ~ My friends 9 year old daughter. Shout out to home schooling.

   Unless the only drama in this relationship is just us out of alcohol, I am indifferent to it.

   "You know what would make this taste a whole lot better? Turkey bacon!" ~ No one, ever.

   Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh.

   In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion is like what the heck am I doing here i'm a savannah animal

   Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...

   FACT: I prefer Dairy Queen Blizzards to Jonas blizzards.