Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The easiest way to not be offended by a joke, is to stop being a cu^t.

   If you were any smarter I could teach you to fetch.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?

   "HEY LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS!" - guy who gets no ladies.

   Wherever I have a problem, I sing. And when I realize that my voice is worse than my problem, I smile. (:

   A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression. Its called trycoxagain

   had a DNA paternity test done on my dogs new puppies....Turns out they all belong to Arnold Schwarzenegger. ツ

   The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.

   Life isn't about getting nude... Its about being nude.... Bring on National Nude Day

   When you say your life is a joke I really feel sorry for you because it's not even a funny one.

   The 3 C's of life; Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice to take the Chance if you want anything to Change.

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

   I'm looking for a 4 letter word that ends with "unt".......... ........ ........ don't be so crude, I was looking for "Aunt."

   TThere is a difference between being "passionate" about your religious and political beliefs and being down-right "hateful." The former acquires respect. (...the latter gets unfriended.)

   why do people seem to care what beauty pagent contestants say? I can't see them winning a nobel prize

   That awkward moment at the club when the white girl dances better than the black girl...#shame

   A woman is suing Chuck E Cheese because it leads to "compulsive gambling". That is like suing Walmart for "compulsive uglyness".

   Soo, I decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

   Just found out that Oprah is leaving her show after 25 years. I didn't know that! How in the world could I have missed that? Oh ya, I don't give a crap...