Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is "Save Your Hearing Day" soooo......I'm not listening to a darn thing anyone has to say today.

   ■That awkward moment when you're in the grocery store and someone is standing in front of the item you need, so you pretend to look at something else until they move.

   I hate my ducking iPhone, why the he'll won the son of a botch let me ducking swear? This is passing me off!

   What I wouldn't give for one of those push button secret trap door pitfall things in front of my desk today!

   Pick up line of the day: Hey, did you know that girls can't touch their elbows together? (works best with women wearing low-cut shirts)

   Gnomeo & Juliet -- red v.s. blue -- so thats where it all started

   This is amazing! Copy and paste this as your status, and within 5 minutes, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN! This really works! I tried it twice and it worked both times. Copy and paste this as your status, more people need to know about this ♥♥♥

   Ladies would you prefer a man to just say, "I just want to have sex with you" from the start?

   Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is kinda messed up.

   when I walk away it doesn't mean you win... it means I'm going to get backup

   Next time someone asks you who pissed in your cheerios. Tell them I did it.

   Overweight British hookers really know how to convert their pounds into dollars.

   I tell women that I invented the phrase "LOL." It gets me so much ass.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate

   Whenever I have gum, I suddenly get a lot more friends.

   Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.

   Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my a@s?

   I could pull it off but my liver is calling in sick in the morning

   ■Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?

   Ran into a fat guy with big sideburn chops. He looked like a cross between Chris Farley and Ron Jeremy.