Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Uhh Sorry Mom & Dad, but I don't think washing behind my ears was the most important place to get cleaned..

   if alcohold is made from old fruit then I exceed my daily requirements by a long shot

   Why does Stevie Wonder love seeded hamburger rolls? Because of the jokes written on top.

   now enemies with you and 5 other people.

   I use my cell phone as backlighting at night when I flip someone off so they can better see my finger.

   Am I the only one that thinks Snookie is starting to look like an Umpa Lumpa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

   Remember: When strangers offer you drugs, take them, because drugs are expensive!!

   going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.

   goin' skinny dippin' in the Cement Pond with Elly Mae.

   Before putting any money down on a championship game, always check with the hat makers, they always get it right.

   • BoyfriEND, girlfriEND, friEND. Everything has an END, except family.

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms.

   This woman at Target does not seem at all appreciative that I just found a lump on her breast.

   just opened a fortune cookie that read: "That wasn't chicken . . ."

   moving to the USA as their gas prices are over $5 per gallon cheaper than anywhere else in the world!

   I watch truTV and CSI so much that I even wipe my fingerprints off the remote after I turn off the TV.

   trust and friendship can be tested by how long a person borrows an item of yours for so long and return it back in the same condition.

   I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

   If Tiger Woods and Jesse James are back to dating already, then I don't see any reason why Michael Vick can't get another puppy.

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up it's the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.