Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Married with Children is the best comedy out there right now! 25 years on...when are Comedies going to be worth watching?

   Simon sure does look alot like Steven Tyler this year, huh?

   "Common sense..its in high demand... And short supply"

   A girl who only gives hand jobs is most likely the same b*tch who gives out apples on Halloween

   The easy way to teach a woman the true value of money is to borrow it from her.

   You know how you're in a rush to meet someone or be somewhere at a certain time and then they call you to find out where you are, you're so far away you lie and tell them you're somewhere like 10 min ahead of you

   Just remember if the world didnt suck, we'd all fall off

   Wonders what the 1st person that ate a pineapple was thinking... Hmmm that's a funny looking thing, I believe I'll eat it.

   The best part about it being monday is Monday Night FOOTBALL! yeah buddie :)

   Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go Jesus. It's yer birfday. We gonna party like it's yer birfday. We gonna sip some egg nog like it's yer birfday. And you know we gonna give some gifts cuz dats yer birfday.

   For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has everyone talking about her latest 'Hit.' :/

   Just ran into my ex at the store. He has a wonderful new girlfriend now. Much better than I ever was. So I told him I had half a sandwich in my car and did she want those leftovers, too.

   BBC News: "Plus size women worth $10 billion to the fashion industry." Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...

   Dear kids, There is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents. Sincerely: WIKILEAKS

   NBA = Nlggas Balling Again

   Cotton is getting expensive huh... If only there was a way to get people to pick cotton for free...hm

   Goodbye M.J... you touched everyone in all generations in some manner. Mind you, touching the kids WAS innaproprate though...

   R.I.P Mandela excuse me while I take this selfie at your funeral---Obama

   Jesus had two dads and he seemed to turn on just fine.

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said 'I wanna watch'