Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She’s not angry...she just doesn’t like you.

   This program has been brought to you by Smirnoff Vodka. Smirnoff...soon to be the official drink of the USA.

   First day on the job and Trump is already focusing on the real issues, like argue with the media about how many people attended his inauguration.

   US added 235,000 jobs in February. To be fair, most of those were fact checkers reporting on Trump.

   If Trump cannot deliver the goods for the Kremlin, Putin will have him replaced by someone who can.

   Satisfied isnt her telling you how great you were afterwards....Satisfied is her being unable too speak afterwards...I Do Work Son!!

   okay mother nature, enough with the rain! I get the fact your sad, but you had to realize Joanie and Chachi werent gonna last forever.

   how do you turn your dishwasher into a bobcat,,, give your wife a shovel

   Wanna make your girl scream when ya have sex fella's?? Call her and tell her where ur at!!

   To me women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

   WHY do people point at their wrist while asking the time? I don't point at my crotch while asking where the toilet is!

   you are not big boned, you are fat . . . Bones don't jiggle!

   Deja Fu: I've been kicked in the head like this before...

   I feel bad for Santa....the poor guy only comes once a year

   If I saw spiderman I would ask him to help me get 2 work fast, if I saw batman I would ask where he got all those cool toys, if I saw superman I would want help gettin my skateboard off the roof..if I saw wonderwoman I would ask "where's my sandwhich?"

   Wonder if Southern Belles say "I do declare" a lot when they're doing their taxes.

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   putting up a new business in town; Zodiac Signs Tattoo Removal.

   I feel bad for people that don't drink, because when they get up in the morning that is as good as you are going to feel all day!!

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.