Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how do you turn your dishwasher into a bobcat,,, give your wife a shovel

   Wanna make your girl scream when ya have sex fella's?? Call her and tell her where ur at!!

   okay mother nature, enough with the rain! I get the fact your sad, but you had to realize Joanie and Chachi werent gonna last forever.

   Satisfied isnt her telling you how great you were afterwards....Satisfied is her being unable too speak afterwards...I Do Work Son!!

   To me women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

   WHY do people point at their wrist while asking the time? I don't point at my crotch while asking where the toilet is!

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.

   So many people speak for God like there are his personal couriers sent to deliver his message promising all sorts of goodies he has in store us.

   People accept that God exists & created the universe without evidence or proof but if you tell them Facebook is down they immediately check.

   I hate people that say "Only God can judge me"... No, I'm pretty sure I can judge you too. Climb down off your high horse where you belong Pocahontas!!

   Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!

   Wanna know why god invented the womens belly button? So you have a place to put your gum on the way down!

   £1|{3 0h m¥ 90Ð (4n ¥0µ $p34|{ 3n9£1$h

   My girlfriend forgot to flush the toilet after taking a really big sh1t. Bad move. "It won't fit" just isn't going to cut it as an excuse anymore.

   Can you imagine how much more work women could do Around the house with 4 arms..

   My only hope for April Fool's Day is that Trump announces this has all been a monumental prank.

   For some reason, the press seems more concerned with "BIack Man Killed By Police", than "Police KiIIed By BIack Man."

   OOPS ..there goes my kids all over your face !!

   bamboozled

   Don't mind seeing a nigg@ with a hideous chubber white girl, but hate it when sh'e's hot.