Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm that dude that responds to your text 3 weeks later with ;)

   my safe word is "is that blood?!"

   I got you something better than a present. I wrote "happy birthday dude" on your Facebook when a robot reminded me it was your birthday.

   If you want to undertake a survey to judge the public’s mood or feeling about something, someone or an event, please do not include people on social media because 90% of them are idiots.

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian lock eyes... "I love you" Kanye whispers as he sees his own reflection in Kim's eyes.

   How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.

   "If anyone here knows why these two should not be married speak now or-"......*Admiral Akbar rises*...... "IT'S A TRAP!!!..."

   "Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life."

   Facebook should have a limit on how many selfies you can post in a day...

   A Youtube wet t-shirt contest to benefit ALS... I bet the breast cancer marketers wish they had thought of that one...

   Can I have your cyber-attention please ?

   Government responses: Ferguson: lets hope for the best ISIS: we'll def look into it Nude Pics Leak: THE FBI WILL BRING DOWN THESE TERRORISTS

   How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!

   *Shows up to salsa lessons with Tostitos* Haha what the heck are you idiots doing

   Maybe men wouldn't have such a low tolerance for pain if women didn't have such a low tolerance for men in pain...

   Well as tomorrow approaches, November 1st. I can start growing my taint hair for "No Shave November." Will you notice?

   Hey Rob Lowe,,, You should have called,,,, I would have loaned you a couple of bucks!!

   Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.

   I would be at your side through anything, exepct a marathon.... screw that.

   Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.