Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't get what the big deal is: the entire Republican platform is plagiarized from my uncle's drunken Thanksgiving rants.

   Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep

   Cops think they are so cool, driving around in their flashy cars

   Americans don't need the upcoming Trumpcare CBO report. POTUS already tweeted that his plan was great, so why ruin it with statistical analysis?

   That was quick. Mooch is down, and I only need one Jeff Sessions for Trump Bingo ! .

   She’s not angry...she just doesn’t like you.

   This program has been brought to you by Smirnoff Vodka. Smirnoff...soon to be the official drink of the USA.

   Portland Oregon is reported to have the worst air quality of any city in the world right now due to smoke. The question is, though: Is it smoke from forest fires or smoke from building fires?

   At a blood bank, a nurse extracts the blood. Wouldn't it be nice if the nurse at the sperm bank did the extractions too?

   It's leap day tomorrow. This is God's way of punishing us by having Bernie and Nancy coming out as lovers

   Just when my nightmares were over about you, you walk in my life in reality.

   Ya...I'm old school like that! On a desktop. Not a smart pad or a geek phone or one of those other really cool devices of technology that I wish I had.

   can't come into work tomorrow due to Canuck Hangover

   "Work hard bt make tym 4 ur luv, family & friends. Nobody remembers ur assignments and powerpoint presentations on ur funeral" - Some smart guy

   Don't tell me your sorry when your not, you only say sorry when you get caught.

   Who can really hear themselves thinking?

   Rapture Tip: Bring a trash bag to collect left behind clothes . You'll only have a couple hours before the best stuff is picked over.

   It's perfectly normal and all-American to eat peanut butter off of a steak knife ;) Just be careful!

   I'm thinking that Barney Frank's boyfriend already had a position at Fanny....

   If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie!