Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Married with Children is the best comedy out there right now! 25 years on...when are Comedies going to be worth watching?

   My girlfriend always complains that I don't take her anywhere expensive.. So I took her to the Gas Station.

   There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.

   Dear Facebook, I can't believe you still haven't gotten that dislike button. Sincerely, YouTube.

   Mrs Schwarzenegger say to her housekeeper, "oh Patricia,I suspect my husband is having an affair with his secretary" Patricia replies, "No ma, you saying that just to make me feel jealous"

   Jamie Lee Curtis is in a new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop..It's caled Paranormal Activia

   I hate when my winks and happy faces are split.. and continued on the next line :-/

   BREAKING NEWS Charlie Sheen is upset because someone one else is weining

   Damit.... I woke up with a pulse. I supose this means I should get dressed now....

   it's never to early in life to do anything...except get out of bed!

   Everyone want to be your sunshine, but not me, I want to be your Moon so I can light up your darkest moments, when your sun is not around.!!!

   NO ONE make any sudden moves,...the sun is out and I dont want you to scare it away.!!!

   .If you have someone great in your life hold on to them and pull them close and keep them tight to you,if not someone else will.

   Attack life,... it's gonna kill you anyway.!!!

   NO....Anthony Weiner did not tweet a pic of his weiner....he forward one of Clinton's from Monica's view!!

   can't understand why we call asteroids such a name when they are in the hemisphere, and hemroids so when they're on the ass!

   Anthony Weiner: I shouldn't tweet this pic. I'm married. Anthony's weiner: C'mon, do it. Who's gonna know.....

   That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked

   Dear neighbors, If you hear a lot of screaming and cussing please do not worry and/or call the police. I am cleaning out my garage and have Arachnophobia

   On-Star has made it so much more difficult for me to take my time when I'm robbing accident victims....:-)