Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lean pockets: for those of you who don't eat meat, but still like diarrhea.

   #ThoughtsWhileLosingVirginity.........."So this is what all the hype is about huh"

   I'm writing a book about cheap imported cars... It's a real Saab story.

   In school days I used to hate that guy/girl who always reminds the teacher about tests and vivas

   You use your phone as a flashlight at night and hit random buttons to keep it lit.

   Boyfriend not calling you back? Send a text you're about to cut off all your hair. Ahhhh there he is!

   AT&T should make a commercial with the pink dress girl naked and say, hey tmobile where is your clothes? And the girl can say you bought it right off my back.

   at the Casey Anthony Abortion Clinic, It's NEVER too late...

   I think I'm gonna start texting random numbers saying "OMG, I JUST SAW YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!"

   Mike Pence is a wax sculpture in a museum of what people used to believe and live like centuries ago.

   Womens March was the largest gathering of people with disabilities in US history.

   It sucks when a bunch of rich white guys don't get the improvements to their health care plan at the expense of women and the poor like they have been promised.

   Windmill noise causes cancer? I learn something new everyday.

   Will E.L. James' next book be called "Fifity Shades of Gay"?

   JOHN 12:49 - For I did not speak of my own ACCORD. Translation - Jesus drove a HONDA but he did not boast about it.

   When I was born God gave me two choices, I could either be good in bed or have a great memory..Sh !t I forgot what I was going to tell you.

   Congrats to Hacksaw Mike Duggan for Becoming Detroit's first white mayor in 40 years. Let the violence begin!

   Dear In and Out Burger, I hate you!! Signed, Someone Who Works Down the Street

   If it wasn't for Me, it would just be Aweso

   The guy who stands in the entrance of Walmart and says "Welcome to Walmart" must say it so many times, he probably wakes up at night yelling it.