Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I assume it's just waiting for the right moment.

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.

   Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

   To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

   I've been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   They really need to add a “download this song illegally” button on Pandora.

   NOTICE: Helen Waite is now in charge of my complaint department. SO if you have any complaints - please go to Helen Waite.

   Definition of pointless: Jobless people on Facebook updating their status to 'thank God it's the weekend'

   When I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.

   “When it Absowutewy, Positivewy has to be thewe ovewnight." ~ FuddEx

   I bet people don't even wear capes in Cape Town.

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   S.O.B.E.R. = Son on a B!tch, EVERTHING's REAL

   You ever notice how awful your face looks in public restrooms full of fluorescent lights? Every cut, scrap, scratch, scar, scab, zit, bump, blemish, and pimple you had all seem to come out at the same time.

   I know God doesn't make mistakes but I question some of the places he put hair on the human body.

   What would have happened if Libya's main export product was broccoli?

   when a phone,beeps,vibrates and flashes to tell you it is low on batteries its like a homeless person burning 50 $ bills to show you he's poor