Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

   just downloaded this new app called iColi... it's sick!

   shouldn't the DMV have a drive thru?

   how much money should you give a homeless guy doing the Captain Morgan pose?

   Treat life like an ocean, your heart is the shore and friends are the waves. It never matters how many waves there are, what matters is which ones touch the shore.

   ive been wearing my boxer briefs backwards all day...btw guys,when using the restroom, dont use that easy access slot in the front the same way for the back side if you find yourself in the same situation..it doesnt end well!!

   What's with girls who write *crying* on their status? If you wre really crying you would not be able to type that you are crying, now shut the fu*k up before I give you something to really cry about.

   want a tissue for ya issue....

   Bacon strips for all meals of the day

   Woke up with a sore neck. It seems my memory foam has amnesia.

   After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.

   I like you.You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

   i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler

   6 family members had a birthday this month and thanks to Facebook I knew that this year.

   Just witnessed a grown man run down an escalator the wrong way. Most embarrassing thing...it was my dad

   The word 'Microsoft' makes me think of chubby midgets

   When somebody sends me a 'k' text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   Wish Adam would have spent more than just a rib.....