Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!

   ‎,,!,,(-.-),,!,, in this kind of mood

   Cutting onions doesn't make me cry. I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.

   Um.... how is that akward? Well, unless you were sitting in your room naked with a bowl of Jell-o.

   I'm writing a book about cheap imported cars... It's a real Saab story.

   I love those sayings that have 2 opposite words in them... Exact Estimate - Act Naturally - Small Crowd - Found Missing - Happily Married...

   Honey, you spread rumors almost just as Much as you spread your legs.

   Seeing a spider is nothing, it becomes a problem when it disappears

   does things that no cartoon character would dare to go

   I used to think it was fine to eat Taco Bell twice in one week... I sit corrected.

   The doctor called me in his office and said be positive. I said why doc what's wrong? He said nothing... that's your blood type.

   I'm pretty sure Knick, Knack and Patty Whack have given me the bone today.

   There comes a point in every unicyclist's life when he sees a bicycle and says, "Jesus, they make them with 2 wheels now. I've been a fool."

   That awkward moment where you are waiting for the light to turn green at a stop sign.

   worships the King of Burgers. He let's you have it 'Yahweh'.

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk, then I remember all those times I kicked my girlfriend's cat while she wasn't looking and I take back the wish.

   Love is a thing for two...but there's always a slut who doesn't know how to count.

   Ok, so they have GPS that can navigate you all the way across the country...why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?

   Hey, to any friend that has has ever helped me out THANKS, I'm sure I've told you before but I have just been thinking about all that other have done for me and I really appreciate it !!!! THANK YOU !!!

   If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.