Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a guy doesn't turn on the TV first when he sits down next to his woman on the couch, that's a BJ request.

   just got a papercut… we'll just see if I recycle this week… stupid tree

   I don't come to Facebook to read the status updates as a time killer anymore, I come to read the fights in the comment box. It's more entertaining.

   Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits.

   Shhhh girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar."

   My "We had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school" story will be about it taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   what's the best gym to pretend I go to?

   Now where did I put those crystals for this napoleon dynamite time machine?

   When I see someone pushing a dog in a stroller I understand why the news is filled with murder.

   ____ Things I've done more of since I joined Facebook: 1. Less

   Sometimes you see more when you stop looking. Except when I'm at your bedroom window. Then I see EVERYTHING.

   My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

   Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of

   Lebron needs to start asking himself WWJD ( what would Jordan Do?)

   That awkward moment when your nose can't decide if it wants to sneeze or continue to make you look stupid… and then not sneeze at all!

   Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem?

   Palin emails show's that she hadn't had a vacation in 5 years. Heck, the Obama's can't go 5 weeks without a vacation.......

   i doubt you're really laughing out loud

   My hangover feels like someone is screaming at me in German.

   What I love best about sex with a married woman is wiping myself off with her husband's clean underwear!