Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend had auto correct long before iPhone.

   My girl says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   Attention jobless people on Facebook....You are no longer allowed to mention "Hump Day", "TGIF" or "Can't wait for the weekend!" or anything else that implies you have to work then have days off to relax.

   Responsible. Who wants to be responsible? Whenever anything bad happens, it's always "Who's responsible for this?"

   Doesn't feel bad for Hugh Hefner one bit and never will.

   Really listened to "Freebird" last night. The guy is a bird you can't change. He's an unchangeable bird. And there's a guitar solo. Classic.

   If you refuse to argue, you automatically win the argument.

   I would have emailed sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

   A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up.

   I need to either get a new air conditioner or move into my refrigerator.

   I'll give Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries two Months at the most ...you can't turn a hoe into a house wife .

   Dear Google,Please Dont tempt me to watch the lunar eclipse online ... My Stars are against it :|

   I felt special… until I saw you talk to every other guy like that.

   Wow, I just heard Lady GaGa has hired people to find the remains of Bin Laden, she needs somthing to wear in her next video

   It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   Every time I see these college/university commercials on TV, the my brain just keeps screaming (SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAAAAAAM!)

   I wonder if they have a minute of silence at a mime's funeral?

   I don't see anything wrong with walking around my house naked. My neighbors however, keep yelling at me to go back inside. HATERS!!!

   I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the ba$tards talked me out of it.