Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   destructive forces have hit the Gulf Coast! Oh, and a hurricane sweeped by.

   I asked her out and she said yes, but sadly I ended up going on a date with her expectations.

   Do I look fat in this? Could you just shut up while I'm having sex with you.

   I don't want a girlfriend because the only thing worse than being lonely is sharing food.

   "Oh, you're gonna eat the peach cobbler first??,, huh fatty??,,,,, You sicken me." - Mean Cuisine

   My wife said no sex tonight. End of discussion. Period.

   Wearing crocs to protect your virginity.

   Onions think that they are ugly because you cry after you get them naked.

   Being Single on Valentine's Day just reminds how pathetic some people are, and how awesome I still am for Being Single on Valentine's Day."

   Mad Facebook gets a multi billion dollar tax break

   I thought Canadian was a religion.

   I resent the term alcoholic, I prefer the term spiritual.

   When I see someone texting and walking, I sometimes purposely vier over and bump into them.

   I'm not saying I'm lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my truck so I just wrote back "nah"

   She's not my girl but I get her to smile

   I'd love to give whoever designed the iPhone 5 a car that refills quickly at the pump but only goes 10 miles before needing another refill

   It's SO weird to think that before we invented cars,, if you hated someone, you had to key their horse.

   We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble wrap...

   The waitress just called me honey, then she went over to another table and called that dude honey also. Welp, there goes her tip

   One sure sign that youve had a had a successful commute is that someone flips you the bird at least once. After all, How can you tell if you're succeeding in life without without metrics?