Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate Cliches. They're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

   my cross-eyed teacher has a hard time keeping his pupils straight.

   I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted...

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   Warning: condoms aren't 100% protective. Her friend was wearing one and he got run over by a bus.

   Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

   Can somebody please tell this b*tch nobody likes her...

   Just read that BP was working on a sponsorship deal with the English goal keeper! Apparently there was a leak on both sides and the deal never happened!

   I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror, she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

   I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.

   If you always do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always got.

   What if April 2 is April Fool's Day and we've been April Fooled all this time?

   Eric Cartman was Donald Trump before Donald Trump became Donald Trump.

   Cut Gary Johnson some slack. Donald Trump thought Aleppo was one of the Marx Brothers.

   The season is upon us and I personally enjoy a nice port wine for dessert. However sometimes a starboard wine is the right choice.

   LADIES.. ! Please stop asking Santa for the perfect man..I've been kidnapped 3 times this week !!

   I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

   I'm on hold with my bank and the recording says "Did you know you can access our website 24 hours a day?" No, I had no idea. I thought your website went "off the air" at midnight like a 70's TV station...

   I wish there were no women football announcers. Isn't there a badminton channel they can get a gig with?

   Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.