Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   who said that men can't multitask. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time.

   burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

   Send me your FarmVille invitation... So, I can have it foreclosed and evicted by the end of the day.

   will give you advice now. If you are shopping for a gift for a child, do not buy Moon Sand. It doesn't matter if it costs $19.95 and comes in a brightly colored package, it's still WET SAND.

   IF YOU DONT LIKE MY OPINION OF YOU, YOU CAN ALWAYS IMPROVE

   take your reeboks off you teeth and stop running your mouth

   filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in the court of law.

   Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend !!!!

   I hate Cliches. They're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

   my cross-eyed teacher has a hard time keeping his pupils straight.

   I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted...

   Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

   Warning: condoms aren't 100% protective. Her friend was wearing one and he got run over by a bus.

   Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

   Can somebody please tell this b*tch nobody likes her...

   Just read that BP was working on a sponsorship deal with the English goal keeper! Apparently there was a leak on both sides and the deal never happened!

   I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror, she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

   I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.

   If you always do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always got.

   Hey Sean Spicer … reality called. It misses you and hopes you are doing okay.