Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   What do you do when you have a Tiger chasing you from behind, a Bear on your right and a Cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OF THE MERRY GO ROUND!!!

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.

   Just hooked up with a woman whose ass has dimples. This is gonna be an interesting night. Goodnight everybody.

   I have written a list of all the good and bad things I wanna do tonight. And you are number one on both sides.

   The bigger the sunglasses, the crazier the chic.

   I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well.

   I will be hosting the next meeting of the Somerset Time Travel club. It will be held Wednesday of last week. We will be serving breakfast for supper. Please plan to attend! We really missed you next week.

   seeing all these profile pics of old men in honor of Father's Day is giving me the creeps. My wall looks more like a list of sex offenders..

   what you're awesome at black ops? wow, dedication and no life right there

   I give women the respect they deserve.............Oh, and by the way, I call my d*ck "respect" :-)

   When your last name is Weiner, don't get caught doing things with your weiner.

   Baby, you are my number one, even my number two knows that.

   It's all fun and games...unless there's cookies, then it's serious

   I wonder what happens to facebook accounts of people who pass away.