Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Hitler 'stache aint cool bro, esp when its just your nose hairs

   I have just hired 2 private investigators to follow each other..... Let the games begin.

   I've got Alexander Graham Bells telephone number....... 1-

   Idiots who post pics of food or alcohol they are about to consume, stop it!!!

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)

   On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery... There I was...all alone....surrounded by trees and bushes.

   What if we're all being punked, and Tupac was always a hologram?

   Ah...... The irony of the London Olympics being sponsored by McDonald's and Coca - Cola

   Dr. Dre has changed the name of his album from Detox to Unicorn. We can only assume it's because it's something that no one is ever gonna actually see

   I've read the story before the duck dies

   If my death is as extraordinary as my life... then I should go quietly in my sleep.

   an important lesson I've learned moving from an office to a cubical, is that you cannot successfully execute a silent "one cheek sneak" while wearing noise cancelling headphones.

   a long term relationship with whisky though it seems complicated because i'm still having some feeling for vodka!

   I believe that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free

   Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

   Ah winter, that beautiful time of year for frozen engines, broken car starters and screeching fan belts. Bliss 

   Dear hotel guest....why waste time pulling the toilet paper off the roll.... just pull the core OUT and wipe with the whole damn thing!

   We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. Bill

   no matter the outcome of tonights game big ben will still have time to corner a 20 year old in the bathroom after

   the hell with taking me away...Calgone take all these idiots away from me!