Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Idiots who post pics of food or alcohol they are about to consume, stop it!!!

   If there is one thing that women have taught me... Is that it is OK to eat dessert before the main course! ;)

   On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery... There I was...all alone....surrounded by trees and bushes.

   What if we're all being punked, and Tupac was always a hologram?

   Ah...... The irony of the London Olympics being sponsored by McDonald's and Coca - Cola

   If women were born with remote controls, the most commonly used buttons would be: PAUSE, MUTE, FAST-FORWARD, and SLEEP.

   The strangest of all bipolar disorders and birth defects is an inability to see things my way...

   What the deuce!! Talk about a knee trembling, ball tingling experience 2 start your day! Natural Source mint and tea tree shower gel is awesome!!! :)

   What are the benefits of these gold membership services for facebook? Will I have people digging for gold on my virtual farm?

   Some memories are wonderful to make but painful to remember.

   It's pretty sad when someone's idea of "meeting new people" consists of adding everyone in the People You May Know tool....

   I told her dont be mad but I'm leaving just as fast as I came!

   When we run into an ex, we always play "Who Won?" And in our minds, we always won.

   A beer lover is born with a beer compass within. He always knows where to find it!

   Ah winter, that beautiful time of year for frozen engines, broken car starters and screeching fan belts. Bliss 

   Dear hotel guest....why waste time pulling the toilet paper off the roll.... just pull the core OUT and wipe with the whole damn thing!

   We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. Bill

   no matter the outcome of tonights game big ben will still have time to corner a 20 year old in the bathroom after

   the hell with taking me away...Calgone take all these idiots away from me!

   thinks you have been single too long when lubraderm sends you a Valentines card.