Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my anaconda wants what the heart can't have

   "To spare the rod is to spoil the" adult....."every adult needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.

   My plans on having a long extended vacation were dashed last night when my lottery tickets didn't hit....:( So its off to work I go tomorrow!

   To hell with all this snow. I woke up this morning and beat the fugk out of the snow man in my neighbors front yard. . .

   What do you mean, "I need space". Are you okay? Do you need me to come over there and give you some space?

   If you ever trying to hi-five a guy in a jean jacket and miss, you have to let him sleep with your wife. Rules are rules.

   I try to take things one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   I'm so broke I can't even pay attention, buy time, or change my mind.

   in the latest installment of the rocky series Creed, Rocky fights glaucoma

   A woman will ask her man what hairstyle she should get next but then go on to get a different one to the one he suggested.

   shhhhhh..it's really hard to imagine you're someone else when you talk

   If by "buns of Steele" you mean dented and rusty, then yes I do have buns of Steele

   I think it's time I find the right one to settle down with. By right one I mean a bottle of whiskey and by settle down with I mean drunk.

   If you need me, I'll be in the shower trying to wash away the last twenty years of my life.

   Love means never having to say you're sorry. But only if the relationship you're in is imaginary.

   That moment when you have so many things to do and decided to take a nap instead

   "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" - The story of a homeless guy and his dog shunned by society during the holidays.

   that face you make when you only have 1 or 2 presents & the other people around you have 10-12 :-/...then while they are still opening theirs you sit around with that f you look

   I love you and you ignore me, I ignore you and you love me.

   vacuuming my sheets, which is a fairly clear sign that I need to stop eating in bed.