Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sharks and children, both can sense fear and weakness.

   Giraffe neck with a Grumpy Cat head - funniest one I've seen so far!

   Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.

   Saturday night is my favorite time of the year.

   I think its safe to say we can blame every unsolved murder on adults that collect action figures.

   Other people: Wow what a perfect morning for a run! Me: Wow what a perfect morning to go the hell back to sleep.

   I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure and that I'd want it if there was...

   Sick and tired of the Dr. Phil test!!! BTW, I scored a 47.

   I'm at my most interracial when I'm blasting Maroon 5 from my headphones and sagging my pants.

   Some of you people could use something with a little water bubbling at the bottom....... Just sayin

   If YOU pick a super expensive restaurant, for YOUR birthday, and invite me... then YOU pay.

   my anaconda wants what the heart can't have

   "To spare the rod is to spoil the" adult....."every adult needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.

   My plans on having a long extended vacation were dashed last night when my lottery tickets didn't hit....:( So its off to work I go tomorrow!

   To hell with all this snow. I woke up this morning and beat the fugk out of the snow man in my neighbors front yard. . .

   What do you mean, "I need space". Are you okay? Do you need me to come over there and give you some space?

   If you ever trying to hi-five a guy in a jean jacket and miss, you have to let him sleep with your wife. Rules are rules.

   I try to take things one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   I'm so broke I can't even pay attention, buy time, or change my mind.

   in the latest installment of the rocky series Creed, Rocky fights glaucoma