Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

   Why do people post that they are cleaning their home on Facebook? Everybody cleans their home so the fact that you are too is not special...What do you want, a cookie?

   INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again when the rain has passed.

   The only differance between slavery and modern day is that now they don't have too work for their keep

   Today's weather in Cali....hotter then 5 fat girls in a min cooper with no a/c

   chugging scalding Hot Lava just to cool off....

   When asked by reporters what he had planned to do on his wedding, Heff said he planned to watch a movie, runaway bride because it seemed appropriate.Really? I guess so. I would have thought A Weekend at Bernie's or Cocoon. :P .

   Famous Marilyn Monroe dress sold for $4.6 million. I bet Joe DiMaggio sent more shots against that dress than the wall at Yankee Stadium!

   She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.

   first day of summer and longest day of the year. Will this day ever end!

   I hate when you play Call of Duty before bed and then you toss and turn all night dreaming about playing. I was so tired this morning that I thought I needed a Claymore by the bathroom door when getting into the shower.

   My Life: Find out who's looking for you online for free! Ummm...guess they haven't heard of FB?

   It's funny how people start paying attention to you when start giving them the silence treatment.

   I have an irrational fear of parking by a dumpster at night because I think a gorilla will jump out of it.

   If I were a Miss USA contestant, my go-to answer in the Q&A segment would be "Who cares? Did you see my rack and smile combo?"

   When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there

   a smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness and a friend like me...well...that's a sign of good taste.

   The three KINGS that bring joy and hapiness to my life: Smo-King, Drin-King & Fuc-King

   Saw the Goodyear blimp today. It read "ICE CUBE NO LONGER EVEN REMOTELY A PIMP".

   this update is brought to you by, The Retirement Planning & Consultants of Fishmore & Dolittle.