Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After I die, there are some girls on facebook I’m going to haunt the s&it out of.

   I love honeymoon but without the marriage.

   Go ahead lady, make a scene about how fast the bus driver is trying to get to my stop while I record it on youtube and titled it, Uppercutt Part II - "the story of the left hook"

   Ladies, is wrong to say that all men want is to get into your pants... some of them want to rip them off.

   I'm gonna wear dockers with my Hawaiian shirt to work this Friday

   You look me in my eye and tell me that I don't have what it takes to be a Cyclops.

   Girls really seem to dig it when a dude has an overwhelming inability to become emotionally close with anyone, especially them.

   Apparently rumors were going around that the Hip Hop reggae artist known as "Shaggy" had died due to a stabbing in a bar last week. Mr. Boombastic reassured all of his fans by saying "It Wasn't Me"

   a foot tattoo on a guy considered gay?

   whoever said "Haste makes waste" never watched me eat a pizza!

   So I'm looking in the fridge and I see a quart container with a yellow liquid in it. We always put pineapple in those, so I think "Yeah, pineapple will go good with that!". So, long story short, I made a vodka and egg drop soup.

   May the groundhog perish in the 2013 Nor'easter!

   Correction, its women who suck at sex who accuse men of only being after one thing, sex.

   Idiocy is the shortest distance between my fist and your face.

   While looking around at Babies R Us I noticed....Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.

   Dumb is the new smart...

   "Oh, he drinks too much." - boring people talking about fun people

   I laugh every time I hear the phrase "Career Driven"

   there should be a breathalyzer app on my phone to prevent those "late night texts" that I always regret in the morning.

   There is an 80% chance that 4 out of 5 experts will agree on any given question.