Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Melania deserves a 130,000 dollar shopping spree for her birthday.

   I had a protein shake for breakfast and now I communicate only by flipping tables.

   Mother's Day is over, back to making sandwiches.

   Why does it seem that most of the women and men who rant at people just minding their own business are overweight, have missing teeth and uneducated?

   If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

   You can tell the sex of an ant by tossing it in some water. If it sinks, it' a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

   My wife went to a shady oral surgeon for implants and now her teeth are 36D's!

   You've officially reached your middle ages when you have a meat trap between two teeth...

   [being dragged off the plane] Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

   Went into the kitchen to look for pot and all I found were pans.

   In Greek mythology, the half-man half-horse creature would gallop around and shout obscenities so that he could be the centaur of attention.

   "Trump University is my first choice and University of Phoenix is my safety school." --A scholastically challenged person in 2007

   I would like to officially nominate Cersei Lannister to be the one to finally separate Church and State .... Once and For All!!!

   Just wondering if Trump's "Make America Great Again" caps will be even more patriotic this Fourth of July.

   Black Jives Shatter

   House of Representatives 2016: Shooting off guns -- do nothing. Shooting off emails -- hold thorough televised investigative hearings.

   Your credit history may be a determining factor when applying for a loan or to be a future Trump supporter.

   "What difference – at this point, what difference does it make?" ------------ Melania Trump's testimony at the Benghazi Hearings on May 8, 2013

   Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.

   My drunk Uncle Jerry was runner up for Trump's new campaign manager.