Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've seen umpteen Facebook posts from folks claiming it would be their last. Nope.

   Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.

   I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

   Daylight Saving Time. Where we lose an hour of eating.

   Anne, I had to quit my profession as a gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.

   As a trick this halloween I'm giving out caramel onions as treats.

   When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.

   I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.

   Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.

   Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.

   ☆ List of things that will Make America Great Again ☆ 1. Dinosaurs

   I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt, I couldn't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove I had purchased a donut.

   Before the election I was getting a dozen political calls a day. Now nothing. I feel so lonely.

   If you got a big screen TV for Christmas be sure to put the empty box with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed and not yours.

   I am feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   Who is gonna clean the wall after it's built?

   Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, but no Mexicans. I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

   It's hump day, and international women's Day ... so make sure you hump as many international women as you can.

   Trump's healthcare defence is similar to his "grab them by the P" defence. Bill said much worse than I did. Their plan is much worse than my plan. I believe that is known as the loser's limp reaction.

   I'am a compulsive liar Everything I say is a lie And that is the truth.... "BELIEVE ME"