Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Johnny Depp is like that cool guy you looked up to in high school until you went over to his house and saw his night light.

   Why do I do this?... Cuz,, Laughter is an instant vacation

   I left my dorm with my collar buttoned all the way up and returned with it buttoned four buttons down, YOU tell me how my night was....

   FYI: If you're a billionaire and you don't have a private 24 hour Starbucks added to your mansion you're doing it wrong.

   AirBnb improving site. Listings to include questions: "Are you using this apartment/condo/house for a drug-fueled orgy?" "If so, will you pay a $25 cleaning fee?"

   It's great to have pancakes on a special occasion. But I think it might have been better not to put syrup on before I blew out the candles.

   My toddler keeps jumping from the coffee table to the couch. Does anybody know how to turn off airplane mode?

   These medical letters seem pretty legit. Every physical I ever got had the standard line "healthy and fit to serve as president"....

   When someone posts a picture of their new car and you want to reply, "Congrats on your $600 a month payment!"

   "Don't wear white after Labor Day" was the original first rule of Fight Club.

   Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night.

   Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him.

   Your significance or importance on this planet must never be determined by another human being other than you.

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other person's side, and the correct side.

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.