Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are weird. Everyone knows door handles spread disease, but whenever I ask a business owner if I can clean his knob I get thrown out.

   My alarm clock is set to wake me up in the middle of the night so I can turn it off and sleep more.

   Just heard on the news that is sure indication you might want to evacuate before the hurricane hits is if your local Waffle House closes.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel good when someone says, "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult *ahem*... not so much.

   I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   Billy Joel's Friend: bill I hate that we've kept this from you, but.. we started the fire Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

   I’m famous someone took a picture of me it went virus

   i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.

   Read a book on how to have a happy marriage. It stated to treat your wife the way you did while dating her. So after dinner tonight I'll drop her off at her parents house.

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now

   Next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and ask....breathing hard or hardly breathin?

   Dear Video: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Radio Star

   You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates

   Where is the best place to work if you have one Leg? IHOP

   I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"

   The number 5 is pronounced "ha" in thai so 555 is slang for "hahaha"