Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel good when someone says, "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult *ahem*... not so much.

   I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   Billy Joel's Friend: bill I hate that we've kept this from you, but.. we started the fire Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

   I’m famous someone took a picture of me it went virus

   Dont get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

   Dad Tip: Read fairytales backwards to your daughter. She'll think it's good to give up being a princess for a life of housecleaning.

   45 years ago today men walked on the moon. Meanwhile, I just ate a donut out of the trash.

   Rich People's Problems: Not remembering the names of the maid's 9 children.

   My Mom always told me to dress as if I'm gay, which I guess makes sense since my clothes came out of the closet.

   Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

   Any body up for playing some Tennis...we can use my balls.!

   Public Pool Etiquette: Before urinating, one must raise one's hand and flab one's wrist as to alert others to vacate the pool.

   You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.

   FYI: I'm only interested in women ages 19 to 102. If your not in this age range please dont message me!!! Thnx

   Hmmmm .... A University of Pennsylvania/Stanford University study states that Only 9 -15% of people incarcerated in US prisons are Republican ..... Why do I have a feeling some folks are going to be a demand some sort of affirmative action for Prisons

   Redneck Children Stories: The Lion, The Witch, and the Civil War Re-enactors.

   if you hitchhike make sure to use your thumb correctly or people might think you're just congratulating them on their excellent driving

   FYI,,, I never really know when to stop peeling cabbage.

   Forget a wall, we should just put caution tape around the borders of America.