Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4742 of 6371
i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.
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01-11-2018 16:17
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Read a book on how to have a happy marriage. It stated to treat your wife the way you did while dating her. So after dinner tonight I'll drop her off at her parents house.
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01-20-2018 23:38 by Jake
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Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.
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02-04-2018 10:33
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What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.
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02-22-2018 22:19 by Jake
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When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now
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03-03-2018 03:43
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Next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and ask....breathing hard or hardly breathin?
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03-20-2018 08:25
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Dear Video: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Radio Star
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03-20-2018 09:35
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You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates
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04-04-2018 07:07
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Dont get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.
Dad Tip: Read fairytales backwards to your daughter. She'll think it's good to give up being a princess for a life of housecleaning.
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06-15-2016 15:40
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45 years ago today men walked on the moon. Meanwhile, I just ate a donut out of the trash.
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06-16-2016 01:39
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Rich People's Problems: Not remembering the names of the maid's 9 children.
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06-18-2016 03:32
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My Mom always told me to dress as if I'm gay, which I guess makes sense since my clothes came out of the closet.
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06-19-2016 06:05
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Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!
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06-21-2016 02:03
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Any body up for playing some Tennis...we can use my balls.!
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06-21-2016 15:30
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Public Pool Etiquette: Before urinating, one must raise one's hand and flab one's wrist as to alert others to vacate the pool.
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06-21-2016 16:09
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You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.
FYI: I'm only interested in women ages 19 to 102. If your not in this age range please dont message me!!! Thnx
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06-23-2016 22:58
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Hmmmm .... A University of Pennsylvania/Stanford University study states that Only 9 -15% of people incarcerated in US prisons are Republican ..... Why do I have a feeling some folks are going to be a demand some sort of affirmative action for Prisons
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07-07-2016 12:22
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