Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.

   Read a book on how to have a happy marriage. It stated to treat your wife the way you did while dating her. So after dinner tonight I'll drop her off at her parents house.

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.

   What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.

   When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now

   Next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and ask....breathing hard or hardly breathin?

   Dear Video: Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Radio Star

   You're not satisfied with your life? Complain about it on Facebook, God must be subscribed to your updates

   Dont get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.

   Dad Tip: Read fairytales backwards to your daughter. She'll think it's good to give up being a princess for a life of housecleaning.

   45 years ago today men walked on the moon. Meanwhile, I just ate a donut out of the trash.

   Rich People's Problems: Not remembering the names of the maid's 9 children.

   My Mom always told me to dress as if I'm gay, which I guess makes sense since my clothes came out of the closet.

   Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

   Any body up for playing some Tennis...we can use my balls.!

   Public Pool Etiquette: Before urinating, one must raise one's hand and flab one's wrist as to alert others to vacate the pool.

   You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.

   FYI: I'm only interested in women ages 19 to 102. If your not in this age range please dont message me!!! Thnx

   Hmmmm .... A University of Pennsylvania/Stanford University study states that Only 9 -15% of people incarcerated in US prisons are Republican ..... Why do I have a feeling some folks are going to be a demand some sort of affirmative action for Prisons